Far too often, we must deal with horrible ideas that are thrust upon us by corporate jockeys and ad wizards which are so spectacular, they remain a punchline even decades after its demise. You know, like New Coke. Yet on rare occasions, we also have to deal with ideas we know are dreadful and should be destroyed, yet deep down we are terrified that it will somehow latch on to the public consciousness and become successful, such as any film whose commercials end with the phrase/warning “directed by Michael Bay.” These don’t happen a whole lot, which is a good thing. But I have to say that in these rare instances when I feel that a horrid notion is going to sprout legs and thrive, it usually does. And when it does, I usually feel pretty devastated about the whole thing.
So it is my sad duty to report that we are — okay, I am — on the precipice of such an occurrence. According to this article by Businessweek Starbucks is going to slowly roll out beer and wine service in their cafe, along with fruits, cheeses, and artisan snacks. While the 2012 endgame is extremely modest — they are plotting to unveil the libations and accompanying snacks to about 25 stores — remember that the zombie apocalypse will theoretically begin with just one bite. Also, note that one of the areas they are going to launch this experiment is in Southern California.
The longer you look at it, the more sinister it appears.
I’m not going to make any bones about this one. I am actively rooting for the idea to collapse. It is a rotten idea, because it is steering the coffee giant into a direction that frankly does not befit their persona. What’s worse, is that I can already imagine that they will do everything in their power to try and make it fit within the parameters of their schtick. In other words, I can absolutely picture some dude in a golfer’s hat and horn rims walking into Starbucks and ordering a venti Chardonnay, then retiring to an overstuffed chair as whatever artist that cut an exclusive deal with the coffee giant that particular week warbles over the sound system. It’s enough to cause weeping and gnashing of teeth just thinking about it.
Now, I have already braced myself for the idea to be popular amongst a certain segment of society; one that will, I would imagine, be quick to embrace the act of a chain coffee store selling basics like Chardonnay or Merlot as an exquisite, sophisticated experience. I don’t know when exactly this will happen; all I know is that it will hurt when it does. For those who think it’s not a big idea and are wondering why I appear to be making a mountain out of a molehill, consider this: We have an entire generation of people whose idea of a coffeehouse is ideally festooned with a strategically nude mermaid that kinda looks like a young Anthony Kiedis surrounded by a green circle. The experience of purchasing a coffee and a scone at a coffeehouse is now generic; sold by a soulless bland entity that can nearly be found on every other corner. There is no visceral experience of fun, joy, or life behind the act of buying a coffee at a place like this, like there was when my buddies and I would spend hours at the likes of the dearly departed Fahrenheit 451 coffee shop in downtown Laguna Beach or the still brilliant Alta Cafe in Newport Beach’s Balboa peninsula some twenty years ago. The very thing that made going to a coffeehouse such a cool experience was co-opted and regurgitated before our very eyes into a place of refuge for those who do not know any better and as a venue of convenience for those that used to.
This is precisely why I’m a little unnerved about the possibility of Starbucks growing into a venue for beer and wine. I shudder to think that, if this takes hold and expands, some people may grow to view Starbucks as a cool place to buy and discuss potent potables at the expense of genuine, local retail libation funhouses like Hi-Time Wine Cellars in Costa Mesa or OC Wine Mart in Irvine. You know, places that have heart and soul, where people who actually care about the product they stock their shelves also care about their customers. As much as there is a part of me that would like to just say “good riddance” and turn my back those people who would flock to Starbucks for their adult beverages, I can’t do that this time around. For their brain may have already been plugged into the Starbucks matrix well before they hit legal drinking age; they may look around at the place as they drink their mocha latte in the morning, consider the fact that the nationwide venues are technically an upgrade from the convenient store scene, and nestle into the comfy groove of buying a bottle of wine along with a scone every now and then when the magic age of 21 hits. They may not have a chance to develop an appreciation for a genuine beer and wine store, much how the current generation has seemingly lost any concept of the kind of experience a true, genuine coffeehouse can bring.
Perhaps I’m being a little bit like a paranoid soul, or maybe like a curmudgeon who refuses to see beyond my own experience. It could be a combination of the two. Frankly, it doesn’t matter. All I know is, the concept of Starbucks attempting to amp of their own sophistication makes me want to laugh and shudder at the same time. I also know that I’ll feel a lot better if this brazen idea of their manages to flop. I suppose that for now, I can only do the former, and hope for the latter.
